5 Stars: I Made Out with my Uber Driver and it Only Cost Me $6.65
Uber drivers are working hard for their five stars nowadays. Before we know it, Uber could become the new Grindr.
Ok so this one’s a wild ride. Tea doesn't go super well with popcorn but grab some anyways.
Here's a playlist to play while reading:
This snapchat version has the gist, but if you want the #skintimate details, keep reading.
What are people usually doing at 9am?
They’re usually at work or on their way to it. I was doing the same. I packed my meal-prep lunch with berry La Croix on the side and I ran out the door. I am a user of the wonderful Detroit public transport, but today I was running a bit late, and I was feeling a bit fancy.
Me that morning when I realized I had options:
I call an Uber. It was a $6.35 minimum fare distance from Midtown to Downtown and it was worth not being late to work.
There’s construction happening everywhere in Midtown and Uber GPS keeps sending people into shady unpaved alleys. The drivers end up telling me they can’t find me. Now I have to walk a half a block to get to them. I don’t deserve this. Isn't that what I'm paying for? I too, deserve to feel like a rich white lady sometimes.
Little did I realize, I was about to get way more than I paid for...
The driver arrives, and I head towards the front seat. I tend to prefer it because it humanizes the whole experience.
The front seat was folded down which I took as a signal that they prefer people sit in the back.
After noticing this fact, I pulled away from the front door and I went for the back door.
“Hello, I’m RV,” I say to make sure the driver knows they’re picking up the correct person. It’s just good etiquette.
“Hello.” he says as we drive off towards Downtown.
Like I mentioned before I’m running a bit late. I hate that I keep doing it to myself but I just do. I like being on time and I usually am, but sometimes I tend to cut it a bit close.
So to keep myself from feeling the full weight of my anxieties, I choose to dissociate from my feelings on Instagram.
After I’ve calmed my nerves a bit, I decided to stop detaching and be in the present moment. I’ve been using the app Headspace at the time and it’s been teaching me about mindfulness. (Feel free to use that link for 10 free sessions, I don’t get anything out of it but a chance to be generous.)
Me being mindful in the midst of anxiety:
I decided to bring myself back into my body by noticing what’s around me. The driver has a nice shiny watch and I decided to start a conversation.
“Hey, I like your watch, that’s nice!” I said casually.
He looked at me through his rearview mirror and said, “Thanks. Nice ring.”
I had these big black circle sunglasses on and I paused. I took them off and unlocked my phone that told me what his name was. I found his eyes in his rearview mirror and said, “Thanks, Xxxx, I really appreciate that.” I smile.
Y’all I swear I was not flirting with him (much), I just have a penchant for being extra and I’m always trying to make moments with people. Consider it my way of trying to be warm and welcoming to everyone I come across.
Ok so let me paint a picture of this man. Dark hair. His beard had maybe a few days of growth. His lines weren’t like CRISPY but they definitely weren’t bad at all. It was natural looking and not hyper groomed. Long eyelashes. Overall quite handsome.
I’m open to every kind of person, but he definitely had the makings of my "type.”
This man kept looking at me through in his rearview and our eye contact lingered.
This is the only gif I could find to depict this moment lol:
“Do you leave nearby?” he asks.
“Yup!” I say.
“Oh do you live in an apartment?” he continues.
“Yeah, I live where you picked me up.”
“Oh...do you live alone?” he asked.
In my head I’m like (!!!!!!!!!!) but I keep it cool and I just respond with, “I mean…yes I live by myself...and I love it!” (Peeing with the bathroom door open is one of life’s simple pleasures).
He kept giving me the slow up down. I put my circle sunglasses back on so I can keep an eye on him.
Mother Minaj’s voice whispered into my ear. “You gotta keep an eye for Selener.”
See, Nicki was cute about it, but under my circle sunglasses I was more like:
A brief pause between him and I occurred. I think he was charging up his mana levels for the series of bold questions he was about to ask me. Maybe saying a prayer or two.
"Do you have a girlfriend?” he asked plainly.
I gave a hearty laugh and looked at my ring-watch that he complimented before. “Hahaha...I’m not looking for a girlfriend, no.” I chuckled.
“Oh okay…” he says as his voice fades away. “So...are you looking for a boyfriend?”
Okay so my queerness is pretty visible, but it’s always jarring to be clocked. Especially combined with the surrounding circumstances.
Amidst the thousands of thoughts that were going through my head, I casually respond with, “Ehhhh, maybe.” I raise one eye brow ever so slightly to encourage his line of questioning.
I held my gaze.
“Well...do you want one?” he asked.
I was still freaking out, but I’m a winner and I keep it together. “It depends on the person, really.”
Another brief pause occurred.
“Do you want to sit in the front seat with me?” he asked.
“Yes.” I said instinctively.
So here we are. We stop on on Cass and MLK right in front of The Hub and I get out of the back seat.
“Wtf am I doing, what is these even” is circling around my head as he pushes the front seat back and makes room for me.
He looks me in the eye and I say hello as if we're meeting each other again for the first time. I see you now, playa.
His stare dropped below my face. Where was he looking?
He reaches in the direction of his line of sight, and slowly reached towards me.
I try to keep it together as we continued driving downtown.
Goodbye. Consider my basement flooded. I think I heard violins play.
We HELD HANDS. A boy was holding my hands. It was tew much.
All the way downtown. We were casually asking questions about each other like this was actually a date and nothing was AT ALL weird. He asked about my job and what I did. I asked him how long his shift was, and he asked me the same. He’s also looking at me more than he is the actual road. It was dangerous, but I can’t blame him, tbh.
He implies we should go back to my apartment…
Wow. So it’s like that huh? I look at my Molly Ring-watch and I tap it a few times. “You know actually, I’m running a bit late to work so we’re gonna need keep driving in this direction.”
“I see, ok, ok,” he said as we are one street away from my building. “Ok I understand. Well can I have your number?”
Of course I was gonna give him my number. Anyone with the courage to be direct and flirty with me will get a chance.
So I give it to him and he calls the number so he can see my phone light up. He wanted to make sure he had that number on lock. (classic move)
At this point we are in front of my drop off point.
Ok team, let’s huddle up. Let’s check in.
So here we are. A roller coaster of a ride already. I thought to myself how weird the past few minutes have been. This is definitely not a regular occurrence. My mindfulness practice took over and I had a “That’s so Raven” moment.
“What do you want, RV? This is obviously a rare thing. What do you want out of this experience?”
24 years of being in the closet flooded through my mind. I actually have "permission" now to act on things straight people get to do all the time.
I had to dig deep. I wanted this to count.
The first thing that came out of my mouth was this:
“CAN I TOUCH YOUR BEARD?”
I was shocked at my directness of my desires. I just HAVE A WEAKNESS OK UGH. (slide in my DMs tho if you are my weakness)
I flash him a kind of smile that only youngest kid in the family can deliver:
A look that says, "I know that was bold of me, but I also know I'm gonna get what I want, so what's good?"
“Sure.” he chuckled as he leaned towards me. I went for it and it was like a “How it feels to Chew 5 Gum” commercial. I felt everything and it was so. satisfying.
Here's a scientific illustration of what was happening to my skin:
And that’s really all I wanted. I didn’t care if we ever saw each other again to be totally honest. It’s not like I was looking to get wifed or anything. I have too much money to make and too many hearts to break in this City.
But then somehow...I got a bit closer...and...kissed his cheek…
At this point I’ve become completely irresistible. He pulls me in and we kiss.
“I have to go,” I confess as I jolt back into reality and realize my most important meeting of the week is happening in a few minutes.
I think I cranked up my charm a bit too much. "You've really done it this time, RV" I thought.
As you get to know me, having agency over my body is important. He started getting a bit too grabby for my taste. It was a lot actually. I did not like the energy of it at all. I was not having it. Especially when I gave strong signs like pushing him away and saying “no, I have to go.”
So in my extra ass head, I’m like “Hmm I don’t deserve this, I told you what I want and don’t want. I alone can set the precedent for how I want to be treated. You’re gonna have to learn. I will punish you, Uber Bae.”
So I push him away, and I swing my black and gold dupatta over my shoulder as I exit the car.
As I start walking away, he frantically rolls down his window and holla’s at cha gurl, “YOU GET OUT OF WORK AT 5 RIGHT?!?! YOU GET OUT AT 5 RIGHTTTTT?!??!!?”
(In my head) I’m like, “No you tried it, and I’m not a free sample.”
I put my sunglasses back on and I never looked back. I look at my ring watch one last time. It gleamed in the morning sunlight.
“Hmm. Looks like I’ll be on time for my meeting.”
I pull out my phone, and I open up uber. I gave him a 5 star rating and carried on with my day.
That day, I walked into my office like:
I got the bill from Uber in my email. I should really just write that ride off my taxes. For charity work.
Find Your True North:
Freely welcome those flashes of mindfulness and take it as an opportunity to check in on yourself.
Know what you want out of a situation. What’s okay and what’s not okay? Enforce your boundaries without shame.
Ask for what you want and give clear expectations. There’s always a way to do it without being a jerk. Strategize ways you can let people know about them so you can set them up for success.
Make out with cute boys whenever you want. You have no obligations unless stated otherwise.
Uber is letting me give you $5 off each of your first 2 Uber rides. Use code 'uberRVMendoza' to sign up. I also get a free ride if you do. Go for it! https://www.uber.com/invite/uberRVMendoza